tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-8356365023823603303.post1629638546724838212..comments2024-03-19T11:57:07.317+00:00Comments on THE NATURAL HAVEN: Natural hair: Hard Work or a Life Skill?Jchttp://www.blogger.com/profile/03983132094574128087noreply@blogger.comBlogger35125tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-8356365023823603303.post-58021404311814265792014-09-01T15:39:04.052+01:002014-09-01T15:39:04.052+01:00I'm actually a wavy/curly girl, and my mother ...I'm actually a wavy/curly girl, and my mother used to make me cry detangling and styling my hair all the time. Tons of heat, metal combs with spinning tines, and a very strong arm. To her, pretty hair was beaten into straight submission. I used to actually run from her when she wanted to do my hair (which was thankful not always -- my father did it more often, and was much gentler and left my texture alone).<br /><br />My mother believed womanhood was pain. Being beautiful was a measure of worth, and being beautiful meant pain. Hair and shoes and weight were all supposed to be painful, and they were important to femininity.<br /><br />I responded by fighting her, and neglecting my hair completely through most of my adolescence. Eventually I just cut it all off.<br /><br />Growing my hair back out and learning to be kind to it has, in a way, been kind of transcendental to my experience of womanhood. I am quite tenderheaded, and even leaving my hair up for 8 hours can make my follicles a bit tender. But teaching myself how to detangle properly and that it doesn't need to hurt has been an exercise in patience (even though it doesn't take me as long to do as kinky hair types). Rediscovering my curls and how to care for them, rather than throwing up my arms in frizzy frustration and fighting them, has helped retrain my response to it.<br /><br />I've started getting nice comments from other women and questions about how I care for and put up my hair. Recently, a friend of mine asked about why I used hair sticks instead of bands, and I told her it was to reduce damage. Her hair is only a few inches shorter and she said she couldn't possibly have the length to do it. I turned her around to put it up for her and show her she definitely could. And I noticed as I was doing it that I was so cautious about hurting her that, while it did stay up, it was extremely loose. I don't want to teach anyone that women's hair is pain -- even though she's a grown woman.<br /><br />Strange the way childhood affects us.Anonymousnoreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-8356365023823603303.post-9440099610594842852014-08-16T13:12:38.565+01:002014-08-16T13:12:38.565+01:00Just found this page, so forgive my late to the pa...Just found this page, so forgive my late to the party comment: I am 54 years old, and am still as tender headed today as I was as a child. I still cringe when doing my own hair. My mother had 3 girls heads to contend with and she worked full time. I think the mother may have used poor word choice but I do understand the what she was saying. No so much " UNDUE importance" but other priorities. Feeding the family after working 8-12 hour days, helping with homework, preparing for the next days events. Trust me when I say having the police come to your house because a neighbor thinks you are torturing your child (true story happened to me). It doesn't work for everyone. I too say don't judgeAnonymousnoreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-8356365023823603303.post-67499065256913801342011-06-04T14:29:02.286+01:002011-06-04T14:29:02.286+01:00Wow. I can't imagine having to spend that much...Wow. I can't imagine having to spend that much time detangling. It never takes me more than 5 minutes. I can understand, though. Being half black and growing up with natural black cousins, I used to watch them getting their hair done and it took hours. I think my Auntie was gentle with them, though.Carmennoreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-8356365023823603303.post-87201161909930911522011-05-25T04:02:05.385+01:002011-05-25T04:02:05.385+01:00I feel for that child. I understand the mother'...I feel for that child. I understand the mother's fear that too much attention is being paid to appearance, but when you opt to change the way you naturally are, what does that say about attention to appearance? I wonder if the mom spends the time she saves with her child...Sad.Teddihttps://www.blogger.com/profile/12318059183451121122noreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-8356365023823603303.post-72973350628517313012011-05-22T20:11:06.331+01:002011-05-22T20:11:06.331+01:00I'll post some youtube videos in a few minutes...I'll post some youtube videos in a few minutes that I think are quite informative in terms of trimming.Jchttps://www.blogger.com/profile/03983132094574128087noreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-8356365023823603303.post-72421935782902058882011-05-22T17:25:08.677+01:002011-05-22T17:25:08.677+01:00Thanks for your support! It's helpful to hear...Thanks for your support! It's helpful to hear that I am not the only one feeling frustrated with salons. One positive outcome of our various experiences is that my daughter is becoming more and more confident in my skills! If I could only speed up a bit!<br /><br /><br />I agree with you about the time to fix hair - And it is also my experience that the little white girl needs to fix her hair daily and shampoo several times x week. Our 3 week cornrows are worth the time investment and then are FINISHED and in need of very little upkeep. Nevertheless the weekend scheduling and (occasional) time investement does seem like undue importance sometimes. My lack of success in finding an easy-going salon that accepts kids makes me wonder about natural hair's undue UNimportance where I live. (I looked at the German site and emailed their recommended salon but the owner told me that she doesn't take kids under age 12! Argh!)<br /><br />I'd read your informative magazine and just looked through again. A 1 cm trim on twists like I've done before will not fix the current <br />broken hair with thinned cuticle layers. Could you offer more details about how to prep hair before cutting (is it best to wash in sections, air dry banded, then cut open and "picked out"? or should I cut fresh twists and just take more off?? what size of twists? the smaller the better I suppose). I'm needing to take 2 inches or more off and am worried about a lop-sided outcome! I guess I have another life skill to learn!<br /><br /><br />BTW, I love Katie's site, but she has a great stylist to cut her girls' hair!! <br /><br />Thanks much!Anonymousnoreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-8356365023823603303.post-928123011514499412011-05-22T12:08:53.201+01:002011-05-22T12:08:53.201+01:00Hi Anon in Germany. Let me start by saying thank y...Hi Anon in Germany. Let me start by saying thank you for sharing your story. <br /><br />First I really want to emphasize to you some things<br /><br />1. I personally never ever go to the salon because many stylists caring for black hair do not understand it themselves! The practices that you discuss such as ripping hair out with combs and use of blowdryers often at high heat when you do not want them is rampant. Believe me the same mocking that you may receive is exactly the same for me. <br /><br />2. Please please you were not wrong to try to intervene when your child was crying. Across the African diaspora there is a traditional view that hair must be combed (often dry and often with the wrong comb). Children are rewarded for being brave and not crying. It is a misguided practice! <br /><br />3. Doing a good hair trim really does not require a salon or straightening. What it does require is patience and confidence to trust that you have cut the correct amount of hair. Please see thenaturalhaven magazine on this site.<br /><br />4. Honestly the shorter the hair, the easier it is to do. This is true too for any race, a little white girl with mid back length hair will take longer to brush her hair compared to her brother with 2-3 inches of hair. I do think it is wrong to tell our children that growing long hair and taking the necessary time to care for it is a waste. <br /><br />Some extra resources for you, if you do not already know about them<br /><br />happygirlhair.com - Katie adoptive mom of two Ethiopian girls<br /><br />http://afrodeutschehaare.blogspot.com/ - Hair blog in German (I read it because I am learning German!). It has a mix of product tips and features of other people with natural hair. While the hair tips tend to be more for someone with loose curls, I find the reader contributions a good way to find new sites to look at.Jchttps://www.blogger.com/profile/03983132094574128087noreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-8356365023823603303.post-23275411427268107242011-05-22T01:15:29.476+01:002011-05-22T01:15:29.476+01:00Interesting post. I have been working hard to lea...Interesting post. I have been working hard to learn this life skill and my daughter's hair has grown from shaved to many inches in the 2+ years she's been with us despite my practicing, her lack of experience having her hair done and weekly swimming. I have had a TERRIBLE time getting advice aside from what I find online. I live in Germany and I see very little natural hair here. Natural products come via mail from the US or UK. <br /><br />Hair cuts are a problem. I trim twists myself but have no natural salons where I live. Several months ago I took my daughter to a natural salon while visiting in the US and there the stylist blew her hair out straight to cut it. She had never had or seen her hair straight before then and I was disappointed that despite our pre-cut phone discussion this method was "necessary." Then a supposedly natural shea butter/coconut oil product with a majority percent of mineral oil was applied to her hair. As a white mom of a black child I have a very fine line to walk (in general and in front of my daughter) when discussing hair care preferences and choices with a black stylist. <br /><br />Recently we visited her friends and former caretakers in her old "home" in Ethiopia. One of the caretakers offered to do her hair, but said "What is this bad hair!?" and then was so rough comb-detangling her DRY hair that my daughter was sobbing and shaking after 2 minutes. I tried to step in and was berated for having spoiled my daughter so much. I kept the liquid paraffin oil off her head. <br /><br />She now has a disaster of broken hair and will need another 2 years to grow it out. AND we're confronted with the no-salon problem. She really needs a professional cut! <br /><br />I agree that making time for detangling is normal and right and that hair care should be pain free. Personally I takes me an hour or more to detangle and remove shed hair and styling can take from 5 minutes (tangle prone style) to 4 hours (smallish cornrows I leave in for 3 weeks). Yes, I am very slow, but if you add washing and conditioning time to the above that is up to 6 hours of hair time in one weekend. So is that UNDUE importance?? Her short-haired brother is washed and done in less than 10 minutes.Anonymousnoreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-8356365023823603303.post-56582125605925595542011-05-20T15:43:38.494+01:002011-05-20T15:43:38.494+01:00I totally agree! Your post showed a lot of emotion...I totally agree! Your post showed a lot of emotion and truthfullness. As mothers we have to make the time to do our children's hair....I have 5 kids(3 girls and 2 boys)and believe me...it can be trying at times,but I make the time because I'm teaching my children to love themselves and their hair. <br /><br />Thanks <br /><br />natural since '01<br /><br />P.S. I will be starting a blog real soon about maintaining my kids hair. So, I'll check back with you real soon.Shellyhttp://houseofcurls.wordpress.comnoreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-8356365023823603303.post-4284156514092576902011-05-19T10:24:44.995+01:002011-05-19T10:24:44.995+01:00lol Anon 19 May 2011 - Your comment actually made ...lol Anon 19 May 2011 - Your comment actually made me chuckle. Going by your example, a Chinese girl with straight 12 inch hair may take 10 minutes to detangle it but an African American girl with curly 12 inch hair may take 1 hour and consequently the AA girl is wasting time? Should she then let her hair matt or perhaps shred it with a comb?<br /><br />There is a huge vast space between investing too much time and doing the minimum. Detangling is actually the minimum. <br /><br />Courtney - The reason why we feel pain is because our bodies are trying to tell us something. Pain is not and never will be in my view a sign to ignore or gloss over.<br /><br />I think there is a difference between feeling tender and feeling pain. <br /><br />Tenderness happens not necessarily as a result of pain but because the hair has been pulled (i.e the actual combing process did not hurt but the scalp feels tender afterwards). Tenderness occurs after combing and some people do not feel it while others at the slightest pull may feel quite tender.<br /><br />Pain on the other hand is different because it occurs when the hair is tangled and gets stuck in the comb or fingers. It occurs during the process of combing and you should feel it and stop. <br /><br />I do feel that there are genuine remedies to ease tenderness for example <br /><br />1. Sectioning hair and detangling one section at a time<br />2. Taking breaks - i.e not doing the full head in one seating, a really clever trick I saw from another blog was where the mother does one half of the head before lunch then they stop and eat and she completes the second section after lunch.<br />3. Detangling in the mirror as opposed to doing it blind. The purpose of the mirror is to help with seeing the hair while you part it and avoid snagging a hair that you did not see.<br />4. Being more aware of tension - i.e using your hand to hold the root of the hair while detangling the tip to ensure that you do not pull on the scalp.<br /><br />Tenderness is relative and even if all the steps above are followed, some people will still feel tender because they are more sensitive to hair being pulled. <br /><br />Pain on the other hand is avoidable. Yes you may yank the odd hair and yelp a little bit but just ploughing through the hair mercilessly as a child cries is just unfair.Jchttps://www.blogger.com/profile/03983132094574128087noreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-8356365023823603303.post-45631401433104505422011-05-19T04:02:01.103+01:002011-05-19T04:02:01.103+01:00I just want to echo the last anon's comment. S...I just want to echo the last anon's comment. Sometimes getting your hair done does hurt. I'm tired of having my experiences de-legitimized. I can take 5 hours finger detangling my hair, and there will still be some pain and discomfort (in my biceps, at the very least!). Even when someone else does it who is very gentle, skilled, and patient...it just hurts. I *am* tenderheaded.<br /><br />I wish that you'd recognize, Jc, that just because when *you* do your hair it doesn't hurt, that doesn't mean that others are doing it wrong if they experience some pain. Not everyone's bodies are the same.Mommahttps://www.blogger.com/profile/14660427650167038856noreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-8356365023823603303.post-8435432513883403492011-05-19T02:31:57.797+01:002011-05-19T02:31:57.797+01:00I think your initial thought was right you article...I think your initial thought was right you article is very negative. I think that it made hair more important than it is. I think that this mother made a progressive decision. African Americans dedicate a huge amount of time to hair, and how is sitting for four hours detangling any different that sitting in the salon for several hours. It's sad to me to see this mother criticized because she decided not to invest that time doing hair. To me she choose to teach her child she is more than her hair. Growing up my mother rarely did my hair it wasn't her gift. I doesn't make her a bad mother . She showed me the most she never invested a ridiculous amount of time in her physical appearance and I think there's a freedom in that, at the end of the day it's just hair.Anonymousnoreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-8356365023823603303.post-84049304440759164722011-05-18T23:34:56.891+01:002011-05-18T23:34:56.891+01:00I have the impression that many people are unaware...I have the impression that many people are unaware that it does take time to maintain hair in general. It has nothing to do with colour or texture, if you look around in the subway in the morning, you see many people with hair issues, no matter Asian, African or European. I think the reason is that many people think haircare is half an hour of shampoo + conditioner and some form of heat, and if the result doesn't seem right, then buying a more expensive shampoo or a flat iron with a funny "scientific" claim might help.Gerlindenoreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-8356365023823603303.post-3645156474523219362011-05-18T10:04:36.813+01:002011-05-18T10:04:36.813+01:00Thank you all for your comments. I do appreciate a...Thank you all for your comments. I do appreciate all your view points :)Jchttps://www.blogger.com/profile/03983132094574128087noreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-8356365023823603303.post-12748713851779142102011-05-18T08:00:36.014+01:002011-05-18T08:00:36.014+01:00Being a parent is not an easy job and it takes tim...Being a parent is not an easy job and it takes time, dedication, and care! I am a single mother, full time student, and work part-time. I also have 3 daughters and I spend a lot of time doing hair!! It can be a lot to handle at times, but it is worth it knowing the positive self concept my children are developing. There are many mothers who have so much more on their plate and still find the time to PROPERLY detangle and care for their daughters hair. Big UPs to all those dedicated mothers out there!My.3.Gurlz.With.Kurlzhttps://www.blogger.com/profile/02799533404463237960noreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-8356365023823603303.post-32052158491267487522011-05-18T01:18:14.908+01:002011-05-18T01:18:14.908+01:00Anon 17 may 12 36: I am african and I had my hair ...Anon 17 may 12 36: I am african and I had my hair shaved as a child. My mother took care of my hair the best way she knew she could, but that's the problem she did not know what we know now. If she did, then I would definitely have had less tears. Because my mother did not know how to properly take care of my hair, I did grow up to hate my hair, mostly because of relaxers. I yearned to have long flowing silky black hair like some people in my class.(I came to the us at age 6 with me mum)My mom was a hard working single mom. She was a pharmacist and she definitely took the time to do my hair, but unfortunately just did not know how.Chimmynoreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-8356365023823603303.post-19522749088852081982011-05-18T01:13:29.972+01:002011-05-18T01:13:29.972+01:00@ Anon: Where I'm from in Nigeria hair is cut ...@ Anon: Where I'm from in Nigeria hair is cut when the girl is of age to attend school. But this is at the schools request, because they don't want the girls to be distracted with their hair as it maybe time consuming to do. Girls who attend private school, usually don't have to cut their hair. I hardly see women cutting their daughters hair as a preference.Zaranoreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-8356365023823603303.post-80181200496373075782011-05-17T16:10:32.272+01:002011-05-17T16:10:32.272+01:00Anon to quote Maya Angelou, when you know better, ...Anon to quote Maya Angelou, when you know better, you do better. Combing never ever has to be painful - patience, patience, patience.Jchttps://www.blogger.com/profile/03983132094574128087noreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-8356365023823603303.post-79264261574689817932011-05-17T12:36:33.266+01:002011-05-17T12:36:33.266+01:00I think many of you have been rather harsh in your...I think many of you have been rather harsh in your comments. My natural texture is very coarse and no matter how gentle my mother tried to be when detangling, it DID hurt and it DID take hours. A full time working mun with three children, plus all the commitment that life in general entails, should not be made to feel guilty about their daughter's hair. Case in point, would you make the same comments to all the mothers in African countries with school aged girls with shaven heads? Are they all neglectful, selfish, impatient etc? Do these children then go on to not appreciate their hair when they are older? Or are they simply prioritizing other things that are more important to THEM. People have very different opinions on what is truly important in life, try not to judge.Anonymousnoreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-8356365023823603303.post-29918810121943165772011-05-17T05:03:53.837+01:002011-05-17T05:03:53.837+01:00I too believe hair care is a life skill. You have ...I too believe hair care is a life skill. You have to learn how to do it to make sure you are well groomed overall. It takes planning and strategising.For most of us time is limited, so simplicity and durability are the buzzwords. <br />It can be a bonding experience between mothers and daughters, sons included; sisters and friends. The picture you chose illustrates this perfectly. When you cannot do it yourself all the time, find someone who can help even if you have to pay. I am forever grateful to my mother who paid for my hair to be braided when I was really young. The styles I chose all had names much like how Katie of Happygirlhair names her styles. I felt good when my hair was done. It certainly helped me appreciate that part of me. <br /><br />SueAnonymousnoreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-8356365023823603303.post-75740542247626287822011-05-16T22:31:13.758+01:002011-05-16T22:31:13.758+01:00Well I see both sides. I have a 2 year old and I&#...Well I see both sides. I have a 2 year old and I'm promise you she does not like getting her hair touched. She doesn't like me to wash it and don't even talk about combing it. <br /><br />I'm natural myself, been natural for years and I know how to handle curly hair. (just so no one says otherwise)<br /><br />BUT, I still make time to do her hair. We just sing, distract, call in the dad and get through the process. Sometimes, it's fun and bonding and sometimes I honestly feel defeated afterwards.<br /><br />Doing her hair just comes along with having a girl, IMO and I love when I'm all done and she looks so cute! It's just the process sometimes can be a bit much with a toddler!Jarmeliahttps://www.blogger.com/profile/06549991473564227230noreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-8356365023823603303.post-87261236609971901192011-05-16T22:06:31.666+01:002011-05-16T22:06:31.666+01:00I see your point Maria But.....
Blogger is not t...I see your point Maria But..... <br /><br />Blogger is not the real world, and there was natural hair before it. My mum worked full time, so every sunday she'd put my hair in 4 cornrows for the week, she didnt wash it often probably because of the time consuming nature.<br /><br /><br /><br />I honestly do not remember my mum helping me take down any braids, i did that myself , she taught me how not to make it tangle too much<br /><br />by age 14 she left me to do my mid back length hair myself, washing, detangling, and braiding. But i could because she had been doing it the previous 14.<br /><br />Granted i was the only one but children don't need anything too fancy. basic care sholud'nt take foreverTabithanoreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-8356365023823603303.post-825960933942454652011-05-16T20:37:56.434+01:002011-05-16T20:37:56.434+01:00@ Dani: Very tightly curled hair can take up to 3 ...@ Dani: Very tightly curled hair can take up to 3 hours. I could easily spend that or longer on my shoulder length hair.Lela7noreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-8356365023823603303.post-16052100815399283202011-05-16T20:33:15.254+01:002011-05-16T20:33:15.254+01:00I have thick coarse curly hair which I wore shaved...I have thick coarse curly hair which I wore shaved for a decade (because I love(d) the shape of my head). My daughter has frizzy curly type 3 hair whichI certainly spent many hours detangling and styling. Given the fact that my hair was completely different to my mothers hair and my daughters hair is totally different to mine I just l knew that I did not want her to hate having her done by someone who didn,t have the patience to do it properly. I remember visiting family in Ghana and if I sat anywhere for a minute someone would be combing my hair into an amazing style! Chatting to your daughter and styling her hair is really worth the time it takes and now she really appreciates doing her own hair and taking the time it needs.Anonymousnoreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-8356365023823603303.post-44315339162056773732011-05-16T20:18:07.522+01:002011-05-16T20:18:07.522+01:00In my opinion, hair care is a life skill. The more...In my opinion, hair care is a life skill. The more a person practices doing hair the better that person should get. I get the impression that the mother just dose not have any patience when the hair needs to get untangle. Time, gentleness to hair, and patience is one of the three basic skills to untangle hair. (SW)Anonymousnoreply@blogger.com