Tuesday, 16 June 2009

Question of the week: Unsupportive husband

Reader Aloted left a comment on a previous post ,
'i only recently started showing my natural hair..i love it but my husband isnt pleased! he wants me to go back to relaxing. it is a battle right now...when my hair is in braids i dont hear any complaints but now that it's out in the open i must get a reaction from him..i try to ignore it but it is very annoying'


I decided to consult the oracle, lol ok google the terms 'husband natural hair' and my heart sank as I realised this was more common than I thought it would be. One lady was natural for 7 years and then relaxed her hair for her husband, yet she didn't really want to relax!

I am very tempted to indulge in a spot of male bashing but I really never do this (because I like them especially my own :)). I therefore thought that I should perhaps think about reasons why a husband would be unsupportive?

1. Many naturals need a period of self adjustment to accept their hair. Do the men also need this period especially if they have only related to relaxed hair?
2. Many naturals have to cut their hair in order to transition and the female aesthetic is long locks - is this another reason?
3. Was he consulted beforehand, does he realize the reasons why the woman wishes to go natural (health, self affirmation, culture, just because ..........whatever the reason!)?

I think it is important in a marriage to have open discussions. It is important to be heard and equally important to acknowledge that the other also has feelings (misguided as they may be they are still feelings).

Reclaiming your natural hair unfortunately in society right now needs a lot of tenacity. Many of us have run the gauntlet of snide comments from those who know not. I think it is a million times more difficult when they come from the one who you lay next to at night.

My advice is to

1. Have a discussion - explain the reasons why natural hair is important to you. Listen to why he doesn't like it with an open mind and then correct him (because he is wrong......don't get it twisted!)
2. Show him the fab fotkis with acres of women with natural hair of all lengths and textures. Show him that natural hair should be adored and celebrated.
3. Be strong - If having your natural hair is that important to you, just persist in educating him.

What would your advice be? (Smacking upside the head - does not count). Or have you faced a similar situation, how did/do you handle it?

****Edit to add - For transitioners check out this post over at Naturally Leslie **** Image Credit

45 comments:

  1. This is one of the reason I started going natural at nineteen..lol....that way when I meet my future husband to be he can't say anything because thats how he met me....I don't know how I would deal with that situation though..good post

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  2. I know my husband really doesn't care for my natural hair, but he hasn't said anything negative. I love and appreciate him more for his "silent" support and that he allows me to be me. After being married for over 20 years, he still makes me feel sexy!!!!!!

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  3. My boyfriend is not against my natural hair but more on the length of my hair. I recently bc'd and he is tripping over how short it is. He doesn't care if it is relaxed or natural he just wants it long! Men are so obsessed with length it is amazing! Besides that I told him to get over it and get with the program or c-ya! :)

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  4. It could be because we are both African without the hangups western society has instilled in blacks who were born into it. Not to imply all Africans are that evolved, nor are all western born blacks against natural hair. He is cool with my natural hair so we never had the discussion about what it means to me. However he does understand that my primary motivation is hair health.

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  5. My current boyfriend loved it when it was fresh from the big chop and short. Now it's a huge afro and he's made several comments about how he liked it shorter. My ex-boyfriend said he liked it better straight. The truth is, I don't care haha. But my advice would defintely be to have a discussion on why it is important for you to have natural hair. Maybe health is a reason. Maybe you prefer it. Explain the reasons to him. Don't just accept his grumbling disapproval. Discuss! And if you're really serious about staying natural for the rest of your life (or at least a long time) tell him that it is a permanent part of you now.

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  6. I think we have to remember that black males are raised and "brainwashed" into the same kind of eurocentric thinking that we were. And, they have been raised thinking it is ok to sport their hair in its natural state while it is also normal for black women to have long, straight hair. Of course it does not help that images on tv, music vids, and other forms of media tend to favor the long hair, straight-n-flowy blowing in the wind look that natural black women cannot EVER attain without chemicals or heat. It is a process to reprogram the mind and he will either get on board or not. Hopefully it will not be such a problem that it leads to real marital strife. Stay confident in yourself and realize that if he really loves you for you, he will come around to at least respecting your choice to be natural. Good luck!

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  7. co-sign with Roxy about going natural while young! I just turned 20 and I feel like people who can't deal with my natural hair will weed themselves out. I'd definitely talk about the reasons why you're natural and be resolute in your decision. My brother and best male friend weren't crazy about my hair at first but they knew I was serious and are in that "silent support" camp lol.

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  8. I honestly am not sure how to answer this because when me and my hubby then boyfriend were dating I was permed. A few years later when we got back together I informed him I was natural and it was to stay. I think he really loved my confidence and if it made me happy *i wasn't when permed* then he was happy. He's now one of my biggest fans. I do don a wig every so often for him because though I know he loves my natural hair, i'm style handicapped and this way I can do something he really likes and change it up for both of us.

    I am really thinking about locs now and informed him *he isn't very famaliar with locs and different styles* he really doesn't care so much as it looks good and i'm happy. ^_^
    I guess that's what it comes down to, your spouse should just support you through thick and thin and be happy as long as you are. :-)

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  9. THANKS FOR STOPPING BY OUR BLOG AS WELL!!! WE WILL DEF KEEP IN TOUCH AND STAY TUNED WITH YOUR UPDATES FROM TIME TO TIME!! : )

    **YANTAN**

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  10. WELL THE MEGA TEK WE USE AS BOTH , SOMETIMES WE LEAVE IT IN WITH OUR CONDITIONER OR WE EITHER LEAVE IT IN FOR FIVE MINUTES EVERYTIME WE CO WASH OUR HAIR ...WHICH WE DO EVERYDAY! TO SEE RESULTS YOU HAVE TO USE IT EVERYDAY CONSISTENCY IS THE KEY!!! .... DRY? NO IF YOU MIX IT WITH YOUR CONDITIONER WHICH HAS A LOT OF PROTEINS...IT WONT DRY MUCH...IF YOUR PROTEIN IS SENSITIVE ..SHAMPOO YOUR HAIR WITH A SULFATE FREE SHAMPOO EVERYWEEK...YOU CAN ALSO APPLY SHEA BUTTER TO YOUR ENDS TO KEEP IT MOISTURIZED IF IT TENDS TO GET DRY...

    KEEP IT SIMPLE..LESS PRODUCTS IS BETTER..

    WHAT DO YOU USE NOW ON YOUR HAIR?
    WHAT IS YOUR FAVORITE PRODUCT?

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  11. This comment has been removed by the author.

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  12. ***Just letting you know that Yan Tan and I were having a discussion about megatek**

    The post is still about husbands- keep the advice coming!

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  13. compromise.

    stay natural but agree to get it pressed straight every now and then (maybe once or twice a month - its the same price of a perm, usually)

    my hubby doesn't care for natural hair, but he has the good sense to keep quiet about it for the most part (because he knows once he gets on me for my hair, i'll get on him for his appearance ;)

    in the end, if he ain't having it and is REALLY fussing, just get a perm. hair is not worth unhappiness in the home. be the bigger person and remember you can have healthy hair AND be beautiful whether it is natural or permed. don't let your happiness/contentment be wrapped up in something that grows from your scalp ;)

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    1. I don't agree with sacrificing your own happiness to make your husband happy. And no matter what anyone says it is more than hair. If your husband doesn't love your natural hair, how is he going to act in the presence of your children's hair? Is he going to throw a fit if you don't relax their hair as well? And could that be detrimental to their self-esteem?

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  14. My advice would be to discuss and communicate with your hubby. Me and my hubby were married only a few months when I decided I was going natural. I explained to him why I decided to make the change. I gave him examples that he had witnessed so that he could have more substance to be able to understand and appreciate that I was not just up and deciding to do so and that I had put thought into the decision. For example, I pointed out to him how I often forewent working out in order to protect a due, and how I would consistently go to the salon only to return displeased with the result, etc. I also explained the longterm effects of using caustic chemicals on your hair, etc. Bottomline I educated him consistently. I even introduced him to some of the new products I was using, i.e. shea butter. Finally, I heard him out about his reservations about my decision. His biggest thing like many of you mentioned was the length issue. So...I compromised (gasp!). I agreed not to BC but to grow it out to a length that we could both be comfortable with. In turn, he has been great and understanding and even helps me handle my hair on days when the two textures seem overwhelming for me. Granted, I do get some silent support on days when my hair looks a wreck, but as I am learning I educate him along the way and he is slowly being able to help me know what styles work better than others. At the end of the day, your hubby loves you and wants you to be happy and healthy; but also remember, he too wants to feel that his opinion has been heard. I hope that helps.

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  15. I agree with most of the current commentary except for Tailor Made. I think it is important to define yourself as an individual before and after your marriage. My husband said to me that he would rate this in the same category as men who bully their wives into a certain weight or a certain dress sense etc. I agree with him, nobody should be bullied, single or in a relationship.

    I definitely think dialogue is the most necessary action in this situation.

    I do not think that all hair can be relaxed either. There are many chemically sensitive people and there are many whose hair has a lot kinks (which are essentially weak points) therefore end up with breakage due to the relaxer damaging those kinks. Perming or flat ironing is not a blanket answer.

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  16. ITA with Jc And 11:41 comment. Involve him!!! and Listen to him. No matter the opinion an opinion matters and should be respected even if you ultimately decide against it. It took years for me to go natural partly cuz of the man but what i see now is i was not truely ready because if you are NO ONE can derail you. If I tried to convice you that you were a lady bug you would pass be by and fear for my sanity and likewise when people don't love my hair I wonder what is there issue because frankly I am now my own groupie!!! Is it unhealthy to love your hair this much? When I finally broke down in tears over my line of demarcation breakage instead of hiding in the bathroom I came out and cried, and I mean balled, to my man and through the sobbs explained my mental relaxer woes. True love wants you to be happy even if they don't believe in the decision and so HE told me to cut it. The tears scared him:) I promise it was not planned. In the end he loves my hair as much as I do and the confidence boost has made our relationship stronger.

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    1. "I am now my own groupie"...Ha, I love it!

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  17. I once read something that said something like "how would you feel if your man came home with a jherri curl, would you so readily accept it?" or something to that effect. It did make me stop and think about how sometimes people need an adjustment period before they accept a new change. But really, if length is the issue you might be able to use this as a challenge to your husband, asking him to look inside himself to figure out why he loves length so much, why he equates feminine beauty to long straight hair, etc etc. I think if he really spends some time thinking about it, he may uncover his own socialization and begin his own natural journey ("in" rather than "on" his head). While I do think it is important to consider your spouse's preferences (since you are the only woman he will be with for the rest of his life), I tend to agree with Jc's husband in that women can easily become objectified in the sense that they are supposed to maintain a certain "look" (as if they were a doll). People are dynamic, not static and somewhere in those vows there is usually a "for better or for worse" type statement. NOT THAT NATURAL IS WORSE, ONLY SAYING THAT PEOPLE CHANGE AND YOU AGREED TO LOVE THEM ANYWAY. ahhh once again good luck!

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  18. Thanks for this post and all the comments! It's encouraging to not hear people think my future hubby is a total jerk just because he thinks my hair looks better a certain way. Honestly, I think the length this is his (and most men's) issue. I've been having my hair debate at my blog, and I think I've come to a resolution about what to do with my naptural before the big day. I'll keep updating the journey over at my blog! :)

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  19. I didn't click to follow Wide Eyed, I must do this now!

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  20. wow how come i am just reading this now. i like this post and u r so right an open discussion is important. my hair is in braids now so no issues so far...i am pulling the braids out soon so i have to come up with a plan before then!
    let me go read what the others have said...

    thanks for this. :)

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  21. I have shaved my head a couple times in the past ten years that we have been married because I was sick of dealing with my hair.

    My husband likes hair. He never pressured me to grow it out or made me feel bad about it. He loves ME not my hair. He understands my frustrations with my hair. His hair is curlier than mine and he has only grown his out a couple times in ten years. He shaves his head because he gets frustrated with trying to control his own curls. By the way his curls are gorgoues without product!! I am so envious >:(

    It's just hair and any man that truly loves you will want you to be happy with your hair whatever it looks like!

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  22. I must add to this. My husband is white. When I told him I was going natural he was like "OK. " My mother worried he would leave me because my hair was very long. (My mother is certifiable. ). About 6 months after my big chop. I went to get a real haircut. My husband grilled me on what I was getting done. I tell him, and he says " Alright. Just as long as you are not changing it or straightening it or anything. " I was shocked. He had always just said for me to do whatever I want. This why in nearly two years I have yet to press my hair. I honestly do not want to diappoint him. When my hair was relaxed he used to sit and brush my hair. I realize he loves my hair because it is attached to me.
    To solve everyone else's problems. Show pride and confidence in your hair. Most likely that is what attracted your SO to begin with. Ask yourself if you are really sure about going natural. I think about women who rock low fades. I am too wrapped up in my hair to ever buck traditional "beauty" that way. (And my head is real lopsided.)Yet I here men talk about the confidence that look exudes. It takes confidence to do you, whom ever you may be. Perhaps what these men are reacting to is not the look of the hair, but the way you are feeling about wearing it.

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  23. but tailermade, perms are unhealthy for our hair...to perm our hair is like a form of abuse...

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  24. For moderation's sake, I will just say that all comments here reflect the diverse views on the value that individual women place on their natural hair.

    I have allowed all comments which did not contain profanity. I do not agree with all of the views here, I do think to censor the ones I disagree with would be irresponsible as I believe in future people will find their view reflected somewhere here.

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  25. My husband prefers my hair either with wigs on it (straight long styles of course)or tree braids or even cornrows, he is obsessed with length, this has required DAILY counseling(from me) and a few visits with our family therapist. It has been a VERY difficult journey and he is making it really frustrating but I LOVE MY HAIR, if this had been a few years ago I would have given up and given in by now but I am nearly 50 and it is MY time now!!!-Melinda

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  26. I had the same issue too. I think it took a while for me to "own" my hair and for my husband to realize that the kink is staying. Sometimes the styles wow him and sometimes they don't. And even when they do, he's still not sold on natural hair. He'd rather have it straight. I was one of the ones that attempted to educate him before I did it. I showed him pics of gorgeous hair. Hair that was being worn curly and more euro-centrically appealing than styles that sway more to the afro side of things. But, he still didn't care for me going natural. There are just going to be men that will not be moved on the issue no matter what you do. I think it's because that's what mainstream accepts and he considers himself part of mainstream. It's a mindset. Very superficial, but there it is. The best realization I ever had was coming to the conclusion that the problem with my kinky hair was his problem, not mine.

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  27. My hubby had the same 'lenght' issue and sort of forbade me to cut my hair. So I tired to compromise and struggle along with my transition. However, after a disastrous detangling session, it was so damaged and I just had to get it CUT!!

    This led to an inpromptu urgent visit to the hair salon for my hair cut.

    I was ok with it, hated my straggly damaged relaxed ends anyway. My new growth was just so soft and healthy, but the hair cut was not that great and a bit uneven. So I actually looked a hot mess. I got home in state though, worried my husband would freak.

    I remember him walking through the door. We chatted normally and he didn't say anything about the hair, then I gave in and had to ask. He then said 'Oh, it looks neater than before sweeite' ( the word NEAT, is how my husband describes a hairstyle he likes. I clould have killed him for causing me to stress out s much. We talked about natural in depth afterwarda and he was worried that I would end up looking like him elderly eccentric aunt back in the village in Nigeria (that is the only person he really knows with natural hair - she has a TWA which is not very well maintained)

    I have since educated him abour natural hair and he actually prefers it to relaxed hair. He is very active physically and I can now join in without worrying about messing up the hair I just pain £50 to get re-touched and styled! Also just found out he has a thing for locks! Wants be to be his 'African queen'!! Cheesy!

    Kech

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  28. wow.

    okay, i feel sorry for any GROWN woman who has to ask permission from another to change her hair. men, in general, do NOT ask women for permission to do things to their personal appearance. if they do ask for advice, they still do what they want, how they want, when they want. why? because they trust their judgment and self worth when presenting to the world.

    all i can say is, women, please know your high self worth and act accordingly.

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  29. I would say that most men's first image of beauty is with their mother. If they grew up seeing their mother with relaxed hair then to them that's the norm and that is what's beautiful. My boyfriend hates my natural hair (his mother’s hair is relaxed) and even called it a “bird's nest.” After several arguments (cause I have a mouth too), telling on him to his mother (she took my side), and "attempting," to educate him I believe at this point we're neutral on the subject. Meaning if he doesn't want a fight on his hands, he'll keep his mouth shut. Still in the back of my mind I've come to accept that he does not like the look of natural hair and he may never like it. I have resolved to continue to educate myself, stay confident (trying new styles), and seek support else wear (friends, family, groups, even blogs and youtube), and having the healthiest hair possible. I accept the fact this is one aspect of me he just doesn't agree with and he IS entitled to his opinion (but insults will not be tolerated). Other then my hair we love one another, we take care of one another, and at the end of the day that's all that matters to me.

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  30. Wow this whole thread has me really appreciating my boyfriend. He is not perfect ( who is)). But one thing for sure, he really supports my natural hair journey. My hair is quite lengthy but my shrinkage is nothing to play with. He hates weaves because he hates finding "shed" hair all over his house, clothes, car, etc. Nevertheless, he loves my hair. Just the other day I asked him if I should straighten it for thanksgiving and he was like " No-Your hair looks fine, no need for all of that." lol. I will say that I am more attractive with natural hair because of the effect it has had on my other beauty routines- I work out more, always wear fierce earrings, and love playing with make-up. ( I was pretty blah with relaxed hair.) Anyways, my BF is really supportive and enjoys playing with my natural hair. I will say that his mom wears her hair pressed and his sister in law has natural hair. None of his family members wear extensions or weaves. So, I think all of this has something to do with how he treats me!!!

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  31. When I went natural my husband was in Nigeria and my hair was about 4-5 inches when he came back. He was indifferent towards it, which I guessed he would be, if it wasn't in a Frohawk when I picked him up from the airport I don't think he would have noticed the difference in texture. Whether relaxed or natural he doesn't care as long as he doesn't find my hair all over the house and I'm not spending all my time and (our) money on it. As faras he's concerned there are far more important things for him to be concerned about.

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  32. My husband likes long, straight hair. It doesn't necessarily have to be straightened with a relaxer (pressing or flat ironing is fine with him).

    Now with that being said, when he and I initially met in college, we started out as friends and I was sporting (I'm embarrassed to admit) a jheri curl.

    We graduated from college and lost touch for awhile then when we caught up with each other again, I was transitioning out of my relaxer with braided extensions. We started dating and love happened and we got married.

    He had never said anything negative about my natural hair while we were dating or in the early part of our marriage, but I noticed he would make a big, huge deal when I would get it pressed straight and asked me to get it pressed sometimes.

    He and I had a long discussion (initiated by me I must admit) about natural hair and how mine is here to stay because it's the lifestyle I've chosen for my tresses and for myself long before he and I dated then married. I let him know that I hoped that it wouldn't be a problem in our marriage because I couldn't fanthom ANYBODY telling me what to do with MY hair after living that nightmare for years and years (my mom, various beauticians) before going relaxer-free. He heard me and accepted what I was saying but I don't think he liked it too much. Still he loves me too much to make a big tadoo over something like hair.

    When I decided to get Sisterlocks, he was not too keen on them at first because, "it took away the option for me to press my hair for him every now and then" but he was silently supportive.

    He wound up falling in love with the locs because although he couldn't get straight hair out of me with them, he did get the length he also loves. My locs (at their longest) were a little past waist length (kissing the top of my hips). One of his favorite pics of me is me with my locs down and wavy from a braid set (braiding wet locs, letting them airdry, then taking down for a wavy affect).

    Well, I decided I didn't want locs anymore and was going to cut them off but the hubby freaked a little. He admitted then that he didn't like the TWA. In his view he had never seen any black woman sport it and look good. He likes hair with length and he's entitled to his opinion. Meanwhile, I was uncertain of how I would look in a TWA too and decided to comb out my locs instead. I wound up with about 4 to 5 inches of hair (because I cut the locs short, first then combed them out). Now it's grown out to about 9 inches (a year later).

    The hubby is happy that I can press it straight now but I've warned him that it'll be awhile because I don't want to apply direct heat until I've reached my goal length which is waist length. He likes it when I wear it in a twist out every now and then but he'll still comment that he can't wait until it, "grows out." : /

    I know that when I straighten my hair once it reaches waist length, I won't be able to keep my hubby away from my hair. He'll want to touch and play with it for days...
    :::sigh::: Men....

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  33. @anon
    31 August 2010 21:00

    I completely agree with you. Men are told to head for the hills the moment a woman starts trying to change the littlest thing about him. No room for compromising. But, women are taught to change any and everything about themselves to make their man happy. Why is that? If women are supposed to love you as you are, why can't you do the same? I am sorry if some don't agree, but if something so shallow and vain as hair can cause that big of a problem in your relationship, there isn't much there to big with. He is in love with how you look. Lose your looks and you will lose him. You have to be an individual in a relationship. The moment you start to lose yourself, becoming everything somebody else want you to be, you will be one miserable soul and start to resent/shun/punish him.

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  34. Someone who loves you would never insist on something that makes you unhappy as a condition of the relationship. There might be some time while they get the naps out of their brain and learn to see the beauty, but seriously, someone who can't accept your decisions with respect to your own body is a questionable presence in your life. Please yourself first; you're the only person you have to live with.

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  35. I had to keep asking my husband questions regarding his objection. Only after lots of questions did I uncover the root issue....he just wants me to choose hairstyles that look feminine. As long as I "listened" to him, allowed him to voice his concern and acknowledged his concern he was more amicable to my choice to go natural. Understand that sometimes some men don't know how to communicate what they are REALLY feeling about something.

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  36. My godness, never heard of men here trying to control their wifes hairstyles (actually, we are happy if they noticed a new haircut:-) It seems to be more stressed in US. Here, if your husband like your hairstyle you will hear it, if he doesnt like it, you wonthear anything as spouses are not the ones deciding how the other should look. I would never dream of telling my husband that he didnt look good and that he should changed something about how he looked. That is secondary..as long s he is happy with the way he looks and feel selfconfident, I am happy as well and I asume the same for my husband, friends or family.

    Should anybody else have the right to tell you what you shuold look like? Let alone what length I should have on my hair. I think my husband or my friends husbands would be laughed at if they even tried :-)

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  37. This was a good post and the comments are very intriguing as well. I just turned 21 and the day I turned I decided to make some changes and my hair was one of them. When I told my family and friends what I was doing many were supportive but the only one who kind of worries me are the men in my life, mainly my father. He told me that because my hair is so thick it's probably not a good idea and then I got defensive. I felt a little bad but I'm doing all I can to say confident and loving every bit of it.

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  38. Wow. I never knew how serious an issue this was with men! I thought it was just family & friends. My boyfriend always liked me with relaxed hair and clip in extensions, then I made the decision to go natural. He told me he liked my hair either way, but preferred it long, because I would wear it wet and my permed hair didn't have much texture. But then I roller set it with small perm rods and even though it's shorter, he loves it more now than ever, even more than when I had extensions. You have to experiment and find the right style! My boyfriend is so supportive of my going natural, he is letting his own hair grow into a small fro and using some of the same products I do. He sees how healthy and beautiful his hair looks, and how mine is finally growing now that I don't abuse it with perms and excessive heat! I've started to notice that with my hair in a more "natural" style I've gotten "real" compliments from men, and not, "lemme get atchu ma" kinda compliments. The decision to go natural was one of the best I ever made. I no longer hide behind a curtain of fake and chemically processed hair. My face is out and in the open, and I Iove the way I look more than ever. As much as your man's opinion is important, you have to do what makes you happy. My mom hates my hair, but I don't give a damn. Forget relaxers, and the worry of having to deal with paying someone to burn your scalp every 3 months. I can't wait until I cut it all off, and it's just my hair. :)

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  39. Two French Braids2 October 2012 at 07:44

    Loved reading everyone's views. I told myself I would transition for a year but after dealing with scraggly relaxed ends they had to go. My husband was supportive of my BC. He told me I was beautiful when I came home from the salon. He does like length. But after watching me research and contemplate he is beginning to understand that (1) once I have made up my mind, little can sway me (2) my overall goals are healthy hair and embracing my whole natural self and (3) my daughter needs a quality role model. I don't want her growing up with misguided views about herself. The person who has given me the most slack is my mom. And not for going natural but for caring about and loving my hair. For some reason she doesn't give a flying fish stick about her hair (or anyone else's). She abuses her hair and I'm honestly suprised she still has any. I wish that I could get her to change her hair views.

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  40. I think I could have done a better job with discussing transitioning with my husband; I think I had difficulty with it because I was trying to get my mind right. Most of my life I had been natural (press & curl) so I always had straight hair which is what he likes but the relaxers started doing a number on my hair and I felt I needed to let the relaxer go and learn how to care for my natural hair (no press & curl) - I've enjoyed it; but, it has taken my husband some time. Now that we have a little girl who we want to feel good in her own skin and see the beauty of her hair - he has come around.

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  41. I transitioned and did my big chop in 2008 and I lost count of how many videos and blog posts were dedicated to if [black] men loved natural hair or not and what were their thoughts on it around that time. I can only speak on it from an American perspective. I think for many American black men, like many black American women for a while, our idea of natural hair was something like a dusty 1970's style blown out fro. It definitely was for me at first! Once I discovered the then esoteric, online community of women with natural hair, I saw the beauty and versatility of our hair and that it wasn't this one dimensional image I had drummed up. My views on it changed, I saw that you could be "pretty" with it and not look "dated". Yes, these were my thoughts, it's crazy when I think back to it now, but we so thank God for growth. LOL.

    I think for most men, they do get caught up in length but I dunno, when I did my big chop and thought I would "get a break" from cat calls and the like, I got more! It's all about your attitude, there are bald women with so much swag and dude that claimed they only loved long hair started salivating when they walk by. I think for men as long as it looks good and is what they feel is "feminine", they are good. That has been my experiences.

    I wish my man would try to give me a hard time about valuing my health more and not wanting to put caustic chemicals in my hair and on my scalp anymore. But my experiences with black men and my hair have never a dramatic show and I don't have what old guard black Americans would consider "good" hair, it's 4A and shrinks up a lot if I don't have it stretched. The most flack I got was one time when some wise guy asked me if I was a vegetarian as I was eating a chicken sandwich, idiot. Haha.

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  42. I too went natural in 2013. I always complained to my hubby that my hair was constantly breaking off, not shedding, but breaking off. I told him that I think I might go natural he was not too excited about it. But, he had to deal with it because he knows once I set my heart on something then I am going to do It. I have 4c hair and I looked like Florida Evens on Good Time. But, I knew I had to learn how to style my hair good so he would learn to love it. Now, he doesn't care as long as I keep up with it. So many people have complimented me in front of him and I think he thinks it cool, lol. One lady ask me in front of him "how many man heads have you turn?" and I said " many." My husband was not expecting to here that.

    Of course, the American way is to have long flowy hair that constitutes beauty. So much is placed on outer beauty and not on natural beauty. I have never been big on make up and it does enhances me. So many people tells me I have natural beauty and they wish they have my colored eyes, white bright teeth, clear skin and a nice dark skin color as I do. I have never been without a boyfriend in my dating years and my husband always tells me that I have natural beauty. It is so hard to except that because the world says what beauty is and it sure not African American women. We are starting to come out but we will never be excepted as pure beauty; as long as a certain race are at the top. Beauty is in the eye of the beholder.

    I guess your husband has been persuaded by those who says what beauty is. I would say to have those who love you to ask them to compliment you on purpose when they are around you and him. Sometime men wants a beauty on his side so he can look good. He may just need his peers to tell him that you are beautiful with your natural hair. Then he will begin to believe it and embraces it too. We are so concern about what others thinks about us; so sad.

    I hope it works.

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